Let's Talk

I'm not saying any of this for pity, or personal attention. I have a legitimate, specific message here and I will not be dismissed by "she's throwing herself a pity party." If I wanted pity, I know exactly where to get it. I'm not interested in compliments, I'm scared to death for the world we're creating.

Does anybody feel like self image issues are better now?

We've learned what words like air-brushed means. Tweeting pictures of celebrity women without make-up has become a very popular trend. Big Is Beautiful is seriously something I saw a woman say on a televised show. I can't help feeling conflicted about that, for a lot of reasons - not the least of which, I feel, is that I do not believe gender ideals of a thin, semi-athletic woman who can simultaneous look like Giada DeLaurentis while maintaining the work ethic of 14-hr-work-day-8-hr-home-life-still-looks-silk-and-satin-elegant-for-significant-other-without-bad-mood-or-complaint is something that we, as a people, have pushed aside.

Wanna know a secret?

None of that made me feel less offensive when I was trying on clothing yesterday.

There are words I don't like to use. I sincerely do not enjoy bringing out certain phrases. I hate shopping. Hate it. I also hate the appraising looks I get from random women I don't know, judging how I look at what I'm trying on. I know where every single imperfection on my body resides. I know better than you can imagine everything that could possibly run through your mind when you're looking at me from the periphery of your visual field, Lady Who Just Ran A Cart Into A Sales Rack.

"That's really not your best color." "You should probably not wear something in that shape." "Maybe something a little less....." "Maybe something a little more...."

I am supremely confident of my worth. I am smart, funny, a great friend, a wonderful daughter/ aunt/ wife. My personality is not something with which I am in any way upset. It isn't even my physicality. I *know* I can run after someone younger and lighter than I am, and chase them down. I've done it, recently. I also know I can keep pace with 10 year olds. I take issue with the looks I get regarding how I appear. I hate feeling judged, disappointing, weighed-and-found-wanting, all those things that add up to Not Enough.

My sincere concern is that I'm not the only one. That there are lots of young women running around with these ideas and fears sprinting through their beautiful souls without the armour I developed out of sheer need: my firm and unshaken belief that I've been through worse and I can get through this. The momentary pain of a woman frowning at the way I look hurts me, but for the girl whose core is a growing mass of aches from similar injuries, where does she go with that pain? I sigh, and go back to trying to change reasons why the looks are accepted, are okay, are expected.

I'll find my peace with the monster in my head who tracks every horrible thing ever said to me about my weight ("now that we're *both* fat, we should shop together!") and throws them all at me every time I enter the claustrophobic reality of a changing room. I try to be supportive and understanding of the teenagers I see trying on gowns just to be in them for a moment and keep the flicker of the princess dream alive. Part of why I mention this is because we all need to be reminded that we're gorgeous.

There are moments when even the plainest of people shine - and we could be looking for the exquisite beauty of each other, rather than the differences with which we separate ourselves.