This is My Life

I am 31 years old.

I have a husband, a family that includes incredibly great nieces and nephews, my wonderful parents, the extended family of my in-laws which (I swear) stretches from Ohio to Alabama, and Alaska. I have the family I have found and collected throughout my life - friends from every conceivable corner, and many of the world's continents.

In a few short weeks, I will have other things, too.

I will no ability to have children of my own.

I will have my first long conversation with a liver specialist (hepatologist) about monitoring my condition and where that puts me on my path to a liver transplant.

I will see another Christmas come and go.

I don't believe that I am 'strong.' I find it hard to believe I carry more than anyone else. So many beautiful people I love have been torn by life - physically, and the myriad of ways which in some cases are harder to fix than physical wounds. Scars that used to be more translucent, that slid under my skin and hid away from the world now have counterparts which are ardently visible. Their weight does not burden me - I took to heart the words of comfort given to me about them.

"Never be ashamed of your scars; they prove you were stronger than what tried to hurt you."

Sometimes I don't know where to turn. People I have loved dearly look at me now with palpable, stomach-churning pity. Others just don't know what to say, so they fade as much as they can and pray I forget where they are. There isn't much uplift to be had in moments where such actions stand.

There are moments of grace, too. A hand-knit monster who will accompany me to surgery. A text from someone I had imagined forgot me, saying, "Friends go through the darkness together, not alone. Even if we're both in pain, we'll get through it together." A favorite professor bugging me for my coconut cream pie recipe. A beloved high school English Teacher sending me beautifully written letters to keep my spirits up. Arguing the virtues of comic book heroes in search of The Definitive Best.

This is life. This is looking unexpectedly into how delicate and fragile we really are. Actions which always mattered to me - gratitude, humility, kindness, patience.... all these things continue to gain value and import with me. I don't know how anything could have been any different - if one thing changed, no matter the size, I would not recognize this as my life. I try to bear all I have, be it good or bad, in gratitude of direct proportion to the gift my life has been.

I hope I live up to the love I have been given. I am so deeply, incredibly lucky be surrounded so completely by great people and astounding support. Sometimes the challenge is remembering all of that.