Anniversaries Always Make Me Nostalgic

On June 8, 2013, my life changed. I went to the ER with severe stomach cramps, and bleeding when I tried to go to the bathroom. I was told it was probably an ovarian cyst.


As I've said many times before, it terrifies me that I might have accepted that diagnosis if I hadn't known that my ovaries and my intestines are not at all connected, and that the people in the ER were, shockingly and pathetically, wrong.


I've had many procedures since that day. Surgeries, scoping procedures, so many blood draws my veins are numb to it now, and when everything's going well, it gets a lot better than it was before. Sometimes it's not better (looking at you, pancreatitis), but you take what you can get.


I'm down a few internal organs at this point. Still have moments where I feel conflicted about it, but my health is improving because I don't have the ability to have children anymore, so maybe I'm not less of a person. I may be missing a few more internal organs before this is over. We'll see.


I have a lot of scary medical stuff in my future. Including a test I don't want to deal with in less than a month, but it has to be done. I'll never be the same. I know the consequences of everything I do, now, and I have to be careful.


I have to be on medications that lower my immune system, and that increase my chances for things like lymphoma and skin cancer if I'm in the sun too much. I have a hard time finding energy, sometimes.


I want to visit or hang out or just meet you for ice cream, but there are times when I just can't. I have to admit that more, because my limits aren't my brain's anymore - they belong to my body. I hope you understand that when I say no, it's not because I want to be persuaded. I mean it, and I've got reasons that are, in my opinion, pretty legitimate.


I still love sharks and gorillas. I still laugh too loudly and love too much and get annoyed when people suck. I still work out when I can, and I make things when I'm able. I still work hard at my job and even harder at my relationships. I still love my friends because you are my family.


I'm just this, too. It informs my choices, and it may shape aspects of my life from now on, but it does not and will not define who I am. I'm still Jess. I'm just Jess+ now.


31....What a year.