Can't Do It

It's been a minute since I wrote here. Truly, my intentions are good but the landing remains unstuck.

I was stable enough to take a small trip to another state. I did all I could to prep for a deliberately walk-filled visit. I was not, however, anticipating a 400% increase in what I normally do. Still, it was lovely.

I came home to the beginnings of the COVID-19 horror.

I ironically was too tired to do much so I was "self isolating" as a matter of course. I've watched terror multiply in grocery stores, pharmaceutical spots and even medical platforms.

I've finally reached a place where I just can't anymore.

I'm out of patience for defiant jerks.

I'm out of understanding for why things that I *need,* in a tangible medical sense, are sitting idly on the shelves of smug self righteousness.

I'm done listening patiently as people lecture me about my need to be careful.

I can't bleach down my purchases effectively - all the bleach wipes are gone. I have 1 package of 24 rolls of toilet paper, and the unfortunate reality is that I use more than an average person because of my medical needs. I have to justify purchases people don't understand - like easily digested snacks I can have at 2 am when I need to take more pain medication to sleep & pain meds on an empty stomach could cause vomiting, which could cause enough internal damage I'd require surgery to fix it. I have to drink electrolyte infused beverages (thank God for smart water) because my body can't absorb them right and they're required, but these are becoming increasingly rare finds as well.

So I hear every word. And I know it's love & worry. But I just can't hear it anymore.

After I'm in public I come home & shower. I routinely scrub my hands over 20 seconds because my immune system is a jerk. I cook at home because I'm still learning what my body can handle with this new shorter digestive system. I avoid any potential illness carriers - one cold last Fall and I ended up in septic shock because of all the strep in my blood.

So I get it. I have, up to know, found a great deal of affection in the care. It becomes frustrating when love becomes lectures on what I need to do. I'm taking care, being aggressive in my healthcare behaviour, and I can say with confidence that my methods of doing so are more thorough than the current guidelines for this pandemic require.

Check on people. Support local businesses. Observe overly cautious space requests. Actively take responsibility for your part in this scary time.

Please think about what you say, though. Many people with immune system illness live like this all the time. I can only speak for myself on this one, but asking is so much better than telling.

Bad: "You should..." "Boost your immune system!" "You look tired - you have it! I know you do!"

Good: "How do you normally get through cold/flu season?" "I know your immune system is crazy - how does that impact how this might hit you?" "Is there anything I can help with, so we can limit any exposure for you?" "I love you & I'm scared this will hurt you - are there things about how you take care of yourself you're comfortable sharing? I think that will help me feel less anxious about your well being."

I am good. I'm extremely well taken care of, by my husband & my medical staff. Please keep what I said in mind. It's exhaustive to use any energy reserves I've fought to replenish to argue that I've got this risk well minimized. And that's harder on me right now than just about everything else.