Friday, December 11, 2015

My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

It's been a long time since I've written to you. I wouldn't write you, but I think we need to talk after the last few years. Time seems to always be a friend to you - I hope 2015 has been no exception.

What a year! The list of things I am grateful for grows stranger every year. Doesn't make me any less thankful, though.

I can't ask for much this Christmas. I could write you about the obvious things I'd ask if I could have anything in the world - another Christmas with my Mom, and my brother; fewer complications; more answers to medical questions; less pain; less costly medicine. I could ask for a body that isn't falling apart, or organs that are more stable than the ones I have.

I'm not going to ask for those things. In some cases, I don't want to know what the alternatives are. If my Mom could be here, but she'd be in pain I wouldn't wish that on her. If my body was 100% healthy, but I wouldn't have my husband, I'll take what I have.

Please don't mistake this as a bragging letter, Santa. I'm basically a coward - I am more comfortable with the known than the unknown.

That kind of leads me to my request for this year. Santa, if you get the chance, surprise me.

You got me right, Santa. I want an adventure. My life, hopefully, has been about satisfying a level of curiosity often drummed out of children by the time they're 10. I adore learning, experiencing, adventuring. I want to keep seeking out new information, new places and people, new horizons.

I know I'll be adding to scars in January of 2016. I know there will be a lot of hard moments in 2016, just as there are in any life at any given time. I want to add other things too.

I want to add memories I'll cherish forever. I want to add delight to my friends. I want to add quiet moments of support and kindness to the people around me who need calm, a safe harbor from the raging squalls of life. I want to laugh uncontrollably, I want to feel unabashedly happy and I want to share all of it.

Santa, I would ask for selfish things if I thought they would help. I would ask for my scars to become less hateful in my eyes. I'd ask for my organs to hurt less, and to stop the swelling/ edema all over me. I would ask for a replacement for the wedding rings that have to be cut off my finger because I can't remove them anymore. Honestly, though, I'd rather have a walk by the lake with a hand to hold and maybe some fire-roasted marshmallows.

Santa, send me friends throughout 2016. Send me faces I love and miss, lifting up my soul. Send me great books and great food. Help me dwell in the best parts of 2015, and help me heal the torn pieces too.

I know you have a lot on your plate, and I certainly want all my family's wishes fulfilled. I hope you can work on my request, but if that doesn't happen I'll understand. I cannot ever express how humbled, how thankful I am for all the wonder and magic my life has already contained.

Travel Safe, Santa. My love to your reindeer, Mrs. Clause, all the elves and yourself as well.
A Big Fan from Way Back,

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